“The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.”
This is one of my favorite quotes, it makes me think of my mom, the super hero.
A few nights ago I was thinking back to mine and Scott’s first date (correct grammar?). I remember him asking me “what do you want to do with your life?” My response was “I just want to be a stay at home mom”. Fast forward three years later and I was an absolute work horse. I was determined and ready to take on any challenge at work. My social life was non-existent but I sure as hell was killing it with my career.
When I became pregnant with Jack it was very big news at the office. My “boss” actually threw a tantrum and yelled at me for not telling her sooner – mind you I had JUST become 3 months pregnant and hadn’t told even my grandparents yet. At eight months pregnant she asked me to meet her for breakfast, “are you sure you’re going to be able to handle this? I want to be guaranteed that nothing is going to change. I can hire someone else to take over your responsibilities…” Yes, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear at eight months pregnant, hormonal and emotional as hell, after killing myself for four years to get where I was. Why couldn’t I just get a break and enjoy this time with my newborn baby? The pressure she laid on was unreal. I assured her that everything was going to be the same and that I would only take two weeks off. Yes, TWO WEEKS. It wasn’t like I was saving lives, I was planning parties.
After giving birth to Jack, I remember thinking how am I ever going to leave this little guy? He needed me and I needed him. One little man had changed my outlook on life and work.
When the two weeks was up I was not ready to go back but I forced myself, I had no choice. I turned numb and turned off the pain of missing him and the guilt from my mind. The pressure I had and my workload was too much for a new mom but I got it done and I somehow did it really well. Thank God I had my mom, my grandma and an amazing babysitter who treated Jack like her own. At times I would be jealous of my babysitter for being able to stay home with Jack and do what I was supposed to be doing.
As Jack got older, it got harder. At 14 months old he started crying every morning before I had to leave for work. He would cry, I would walk out the door and then I would cry on my way to work. Every single day. I thought it would get better and he would just get used to me leaving but it only got worse. When he started his two’s program, I would leave work at 11:30 to pick him up. When I would bring him home he would cry because I had to go back to work “don’t leave me please mama… I want you to stay with me…” I felt like I was ruining his life and I wanted to just quit right then and there but I knew I couldn’t. I would get home from work, utterly exhausted, but I would make sure all my attention was on him until he fell asleep.
When Lily was born it was double the love but a thousand times harder. I was up all night with feedings, up by five with Jack as soon as he woke up wanted to play and go crazy, at work by nine, home by six and then playing and entertaining Jack while taking care of Lily until they fell asleep. I knew I couldn’t keep going at this pace and something had to change. I wanted to be with them and not feel beyond exhausted. Being with them was all I wanted to do every minute of every day.
This November I stopped working. I’m not going to get into why and what happened but I am thankful for what did happen. I am grateful everyday that I now get to stay home with the two loves of my life and raise them. It’s not always pretty, it’s quite chaotic, but I take each day at a time and don’t take it too seriously. You have to laugh at the craziness of this age. The mornings are an absolute shit show until we leave the house but I know it’s not going to stay this way forever. I know I have a limited amount of time in the crazy toddler years and it’s flying by. That’s why I started this blog, to document some of it before I forget all these amazing memories.
So to all you working mommies out there, keep doing what you’re doing. You’re amazing and strong beyond words. I may not know you but you’re in my heart everyday.